ARTICLES

Definition of Imago

Imago is a Latin word that simply means “image”.  In imago therapy this word refers to an unconscious image in our minds of the ideal mate.  This mind image was forged out of the many experiences we had with our caretakers.  Caretakers could be parents, relatives, siblings, teachers or even peers. These are the people to whom we turned to get our basic needs met while growing up.

The imago is an amalgam, a picture in our brains, of all the important characteristics of our caretakers. Both positive and especially negative characteristics make up this image of the person who is supposed to meet our basic needs.  That “image”, or Imago, becomes a template or homing device when we are in the process of selecting a mate. 

This means we will likely pick a mate who is in some ways like our caretakers.  We are unknowingly attempting to recreate the childhood environment wherein we were supposed to get our basic needs met.  The good news is that the mate we pick, because we experience them as being like our caretakers, literally can help us heal and grow, when they give us what we need.  The bad news is that they can also repeat the wounding from our caretakers, again because they are like them, so that we end up living in the same painful existence that characterized our childhood.

The actual outcome depends on whether we bring consciousness and safety to our relationship.  It depends on how we choose to communicate and interact. If we understand that we are in a process with each other that was designed by “mother nature” to force us to finish growing up, and we cooperate with “her” plan, we have a better chance of evolving into the adults we were meant to be.

Listening

In our committed relationships we often feel an urgency to be heard, “seen”, and agreed with.  To feel important, visible, and accepted is a need we are born with. However, the belief that we need to be in agreement in order to be close is learned from our environment.  It is not necessary to see things the same way in order to be emotionally connected.  In fact, one of the most exciting experiences that a couple can have occurs when differences are respectfully and energetically explored.

The ingredient often missing in our interactions is the act of listening to each other with genuine interest and curiosity.  Isn’t it obvious that if no one is listening no one will be heard? Out of our need to be “right”, we block our ability to hear what our partner wants to communicate to us.  We thereby increase the possibility that our partner will respond by doing the same thing.  It is a clear truth that a person who feels heard is more likely to listen in response.

There are many elements to good listening, but the three basic ones are mirroring, validation, and empathy. In mirroring we paraphrase our partner’s thoughts, beliefs, and feelings so that our partner has a chance to clarify for us what he/she is meaning to say. In validation, we let our partner know that his/her reality "makes sense" even if we do not agree with that perspective.  When we are empathic, we let our partner know that we can understand or even share his/her feelings and thereby connect at an emotional level even without agreement.

This process, which is called dialogue, can seem simple.  Strong feelings, however, can make it anything but simple. Disciplined practice and guidance may be necessary to make it feel "natural".

Validation

When we are listening and we find that our partner's point of view is very different from our own, it is our inclination to correct what we perceive to be their misunderstanding or incorrect assumption about the situation. We now know that good communication requires us to learn how to understand and even respect our partner's reality and his/her right to hold a different perspective than the one we are attached to.

In Imago therapy we prescribe three basic elements of a dialogue that supports friendship and connection.  In the first of these we mirror our partner's words and expressions in order to be sure that we have accurately understood exactly what our partner wants us to hear about their reality or "truth". 

The next step is validation wherein we attempt to "get" or see the sense in our partner's world of logic. And, if we let ourselves “sit awhile” inside our partner’s world, it actually does make sense!  For example, it makes sense that our partner would have liked to receive a call to inform him/her that we were going to be late for a date.  It doesn't matter that we might have been delayed and unable to call for reasons that are legitimate; our partner's desire for us to call is still valid.

What is difficult about validation is that we can experience it as agreement when we validate and understand our partner’s reality, and it may well be that our own reality is very different and we therefore do not agree!  What is hard for most people to accept is that we can disagree and still understand and validate our partner’s world.  We simply have to see it through his/her eyes and care about what it feels like to live in that different reality.

Friendship is Essential

Until recently, marital therapy has been focused on helping couples "resolve" discords and disagreements.  The assumption has been that if we could solve these problems and issues, one-by-one, we would eventually get to a point where there were no more problems.  Life could then be lived "happily ever after". 

After several years of counseling this way, we have come to realize that this isn't how it works!  In fact, the more we focus on problems the more we find them everywhere!  We never run out of “problems” to solve.

John Gottman, in his amazing research with couples, has made it very clear that a solid friendship is at the core of a lasting relationship. When we focus on what is “wrong” in a relationship we occupy ourselves with how disappointed we are and how robbed we feel in not getting “all we deserve”.  We then become determined to change each other in order to achieve “happiness”.  This can never accomplish our fondest dreams!

 However, if we pay attention to treating our partner as a friend we experience something very different.  Our brains are wired in such a way that we instinctively defend ourselves or counterattack when we are (or believe we are) in emotional or physical danger.  That same wiring causes us to move toward a person who is offering interest, caring, and pleasure (i.e. a friend).  The bottom line is that friends resolve their "problems" willingly and naturally because they are friends and want to maintain the pleasurable feelings of friendship.  In friendship disconnection is painful!

All of this is not to say that learning constructive methods of communication and problem-solving techniques cannot be helpful or important.  It just means that these techniques won’t be helpful over the long term in an environment that is not enveloped in friendship.

Friendship and Dialogue

John Gottman, renowned relationship researcher, says that couples whose marriages are based on a deep friendship “tend to know each other intimately - they are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.  They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.”

In Imago therapy we focus significant time & coaching to help couples reestablish and add to the loving behaviors they were doing during their courtship.  We encourage and guide couples in the process of creating together and then practicing mutually satisfying ways to be attentive to each other's needs, hopes and wishes.  Each partner has an individual inner vision of what “love” looks like, and it is important to bring these inner pictures into mutual consciousness.

Friendship is the foundation of a lasting relationship, but dialogue is the cornerstone of friendship.  Without dialogue, friendship cannot be sustained.  In dialogue we communicate a deep interest in and curiosity about the other's reality.  The partner receiving acts of friendship, like getting flowers or cards, won’t experience the desired loving and long term effect if there is no abiding sense within the receiving partner that the person giving these gifts respects and truly cares about who he/she is as a separate individual .

Dialogue is not primarily a problem solving technique.  It is a way of being in relationship that fosters connection and emotional fulfillment.  When a couple is dialogical, a sense of safety is engendered and safety is an essential ingredient in order for human beings to change and grow together.  Without safety, without friendship, without dialogue, there can be no hope of accomplishing the dream that every partner holds in mind as he/she enters a committed relationship.

Reality in Relationship

Many of the ideas and practices in Imago Therapy are tried and true theories and methods that have been packaged in a unique way by the genius of Harville Hendrix.  The field, however, is dynamic and always changing.  If you hear anyone say they have THE ANSWER for all your problems, we strongly suggest you walk away.  Ongoing research continually reveals new answers and possible truths that we are testing and evaluating every day in practice. 

We wish we could turn back the clock and change whatever made us believe that we should be able to get all our needs met in marriages.  We’ve created an illusion that there should be no conflicts if love is to  be considered “right.”  This high expectation causes us a lot of pain and discouragement.  In reality, we enter relationships as incomplete beings in process.  Most of us are not well prepared to interact in a close, intimate relationship with someone who is, like us, still “growing up”. 

It helps if we accept that we will always be different in some ways.  It helps if we can accept that disagreement and even some discord is an inevitable part of relationships.  What we can do is learn skills and attitudes that make these discords growthful rather than destructive and wounding.  We can learn how to approach each other with respect for our differences so that friendship is preserved.  We can learn how to understand each other and deeply care about the different internal “worlds” we live in. 

When we injure each other, we encourage you to attempt to “repair” those wounds; and, when our partner makes a repair attempt, it is in our best interest to accept and appreciate it.  This interaction does much to protect and maintain the friendship that fuels every committed relationship.

"Repairing" Injury in a Relationship

We will inevitably and often unintentionally hurt each other in committed relationships.  Dr. John Gottman’s research demonstrates how repairing that injury contributes significantly to the longevity of the relationship. There are things we can say or do that can repair a hurt relationship.  When repair is successful it has profound positive effect on the outcome of continuing relationship. This requires both that the attempt to repair is made and that the injured partner accepts and allows the repair effort to heal the misunderstanding.  There are numerous possibilities but the following will give some ideas for how repair might be expressed.

The “bottom line” is we need to remember that we live and act out of different inner “worlds” and, if we hang-in with and trust the process with openness and curiosity, we can introduce each other to whole new galaxies!